L.O.V.E. Is Personal

I know LOVE was in the air yesterday for lots of folks out there in Bloggger Land.....after all it was Valentine's Day.

But, as Valentine's Day approached this year, I thought long and hard of what my Valentine's Day was like in 2012.  That is why LOVE is very personal to me.  Love is not just about one day for me, love is many, many things to me.  I reflect on the love of my friend Elaine holding my hand in the ER on Mother's Day evening as a tube was put in my nose.......or in the wee hours of the morning when our friends Jean and Serge answered Bill's frantic phone call to help get me out of bed and head to the ER once again.  The love I felt when I saw my son Michael standing next to my bed in the Intensive Care Unit.  That's not how you want your child to see you.  And of course, our steadfast neighbors Paul and Gloria always providing food and support in every way possible.  I could go on and on so I will stop there, but you get my feeling of why LOVE is very personal to me.

February last year was a reminder of hard times.  But, through it all I survived the many procedures, chemo, etc. and discovered what real LOVE is all about.  Love for me is not about the fast dance, but the slow dance that will reward me with the most blessings.  I must continue to trust in God, have faith and courage, but most of all be open to Love that comes in many forms.

It took some work and planning this year to show my Love Bird what he means to me.  He has endured many a pot of soup, crock pot of something and cornbread during this process to win the battle.  It took me several days to cook everything, but OUR day yesterday turned out just great.  I made his favorite meal:  Meatloaf and gravy, mac and cheese, fresh vegies, yeast rolls and of course homemade banana pudding!  Here are the pictures to prove it!

After making this meal, maybe some of my Math aficionados out there can tell me why I needed to know algebra to get by in life.  I could always balance my check book, convert a recipe or figure out measurements for sewing.  Only God knows how in the world I became  Secretary to the AVP of Treasury at BellSouth, go figure, my boss never asked if I could do algebra only if I could type!  To tell you the truth, I thought X's were only to fill in boxes that needed filling......just did not understand the concept of  X = Y (Why?) or Y = Z (snoring/boring?)  So, I have come to the conclusion that algebra will not be added to my bucket list of things I want to learn before folks sing the words to Hymn of Promise at my funeral, which by the way, if I just keep to God's plan for me, will be a few more years!  I have lots of loving left in me.........hang in there folks!

I will do what I do best and reflect on the love I have felt over the years by remembering the puppy love of  boyfriends, marriage, holding my babies and grandbabies,  remembering their sweet smell, the continued love from parents, grandparents, family and dear friends.  Just a snippet of some of my personal love memoirs.   Here is a picture of me and my Valentine!

I pray all of you that read this will know and feel the love I have for each of you.  I truly could not go on without the support of God, my husband, my mom, family and friends.  I hope and pray that if I can just inspire at least one person that has suffered from cancer or any other debilitating trauma in their life, to never give up and believe that Love, faith and courage will sustain you.
All my Love,
Glenda

An Empty Picture Frame

I need someone to just listen, listen, listen to me today.  I am the proverbial empty picture frame.  I feel like something is missing.  I have the body and spirit but something is wrong with my mind.  I have been so anxious for the last 2 weeks.  I know the answer; it is that damned date posted on a paper stuck to my refrigerator.  The date is tomorrow and it says, "you are scheduled for your second PET Scan since your stem cell transplant!"  I knew it was coming at 200 days, but until I saw it in print, it never entered my mind.  Out of sight out of mind, so someone has said.

My beautiful husband keeps telling me everything will be good.  Why can't I believe him???  The fear creeps into my mind at strange times, making me sad and anxious.  Is that a normal reaction for cancer survivors?  I am hoping it is.  I know my friends and family think I am the greatest thing since sliced bread because I am so optimistic and smiling........sorry to burst your bubble on how you picture me.  But, the truth is, I think, and hope I am just like every other cancer survivor, or anyone else for that matter, that has had life changing events in their life.

I truly did have the best Christmas ever.  Take a look at a "smiling" me.  And, my two grandchildren that God so graciously gave to me.

At Longwood Gardens, PA on Christmas Eve

My grandchildren on Christmas morning

I feel better already, just revisiting the important things in my life.  Maybe it was an unconscious decision on my husband's part to decide to go hiking with a friend today, but a blessing in disguise for me, because maybe I just needed to reach out to God, friends, family and fellow readers so that you could hear my "story."

When I am troubled I do search out inspirational messages to help me.  Here is one I found that has helped me today.  Hope it does the same for you on days that make you anxious.
Philippians 4: 6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I also have turned the corner and am giving away some watercolors I have painted over the past several years. It truly does feel very good to "give."   I have given away, so far, 23 original paintings to some of my family.  Here are just two of them, sorry to anyone that wanted these, I have plenty more to choose from.

Have you been naughty or nice?

The sun will lift your spirits!

 Thanks for being my listening post today.  I will THINK ONLY GOOD.........God Bless all of my friends and family that are the caregivers of my mind, body and spirit!

Down for the count......but not out!

It was a gorgeous sunny day driving to Greenville on Monday afternoon, November 5, 2012.  We were on our way to visit my stem cell transplant doctor.  Of course I had my list of questions to ask her and she had a few for me.  Mine came first: 1) should I get a flu shot? answer, yes........2) keep taking Bactrim? answer, yes........3) should I continue to wear a surgical mask when out in the public? answer, no (counts are okay)...........4) What about eating in a restaurant? answer, yes...........5) Is it okay to have a glass of wine now and then? answer, yes............at this point she was putting me on the table and it was her turn for questions!  Yes, I completed the Oncology Rehab and take walks as much as possible.  Appetite is good, I just don't gain any weight.  I'm telling you it's all that darn healthy stuff, you need to have a big jam filled doughnut once in a while, duh!  Anyway, the take away message from that appointment was "no restrictions," using common sense of course.

So back to my first question, Yes, get the flu shot.  We stopped at our local CVS Pharmacy on the way home, and guess what, I did not wear my surgical mask.  I filled out the consent form for the flu shot and sat down to wait my turn.  Of course, the two little boys "coughing" sitting next to their mother unnerved me, but I had just been cleared to not wear the mask (that is when my common sense should have kicked in and hit me on the head to put on your mask, but God forbid I offend someone, get real next time Glenda!  Wear the darn mask when in doubt!)

I guess by now you have guessed where I am going with this story...........Yes, I did receive the flu vaccine about 6:00 p.m. Monday evening.  We did several things on Tuesday out and about, even ended the day having dinner with friends and I had my first glass of wine!  Started feeling "rough" Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, could hardly talk, I was very hoarse.  I figured it was because I talked too loud (music was a little loud in the restaurant).  But, oh no that was not to be, I started going down hill from there.  Long story, to short one, when my temperature reached 103.9, Bill called the cancer center, their answer go to the emergency room.  I swear I should have a name plate on one of their exam rooms because I have been there so much in the last year.

I told them I had a flu shot Monday evening.  They said it takes about 2 weeks for the vaccine to be effective, oh great!  Anyway, they did the nose swab, blood test, chest X-ray and urine test.  I failed the first two tests and passed the second two.  It was confirmed that I had A-Type influenza.  They called my stem cell doc and my oncologist to let them know the results.  I am taking my regular stem cell meds plus Tamiflu and Tylenol.  For at least three days, I have been in bed with fever and aches.  My fever finally broke yesterday evening and my voice is coming back slowly.

Do not let my story be a reason for you to skip your flu shot this year,  just the opposite.  I have received a flu shot every year for a very long time with no problems.  It was not the flu vaccine that gave me the flu it was someone (a live person) in the pharmacy Monday evening that spread their germs to me!  After all, I am a little different right now.  I am still the 68 year old woman on the outside, but my immune system was only 119 days old Monday night.  Think about it, my stem cells are like those of a 3-4 month old baby!

This whole episode reminds me of the "Scarlet Letter," by Nathaniel Hawthorne.  I should read it again some day.  From what I remember the Scarlet Letter A represented something sort of sinister, but I am just going to choose my own meaning, another badge of courage that I believe once again comes from a higher power that continues to dig me out of whatever "jam" I'm in!

Also, a funny side note.  A mutual friend of ours (a retired doctor, and chairman of the board of directors at the hospital) said I was the second confirmed case of the flu in SC.  What, not first!  Oh well, second best will have to do.  A living, breathing statistic is a good thing!

One last note:  CVS Pharmacy did give me a "shopping pass" for receiving the flu shot!

To repeat,  please DO get a flu shot, I am not the usual patient, so don't use my story to make it yours!  I will continue to receive a flu vaccine each year with a doctor's okay. Love all of you that continue to read my blog, God Bless You!

Ain't Messin' With The Kid Today!

It was a gray day in Westminster today and in a tiny spot in my brain I thought oh no, let this be a sunny day God; I have to see Dr. G (my oncologist) for results of last Thursday's PET Scan.  I have been feeling so good since my last "whiny" blog, so please give me some good news today!

I must tell you, this has been the GREATEST news day in several years!  I received an A+ on my PET Scan, listen folks I'm talking a PERFECT score!  I have never had a "one page" PET Scan report ever, this is my first one. There wasn't much to report except to say "no signs of recurrent lymphoma!"  My doctor was smiling from ear to ear when he told me.  My blood counts are getting better with each "draw," so as one of my Blues songs say, Ain't messin' with this kid today, cause I'm on top of the world!

I believe that God has been taking care of me even when I sometimes give up on myself.   The intercessory prayers I receive from friends, family and even friends of friends I don't know personally,  have brought me to this day.  I am humbled once again at the peace that only my faith can bring me, in the good and bad times in my life.  A simple thank you is not enough for the kindness so many people have shown me over the years in my struggle with cancer.

I have not wanted to post a picture of me with out any hair, but today after I dropped Bill off for a meeting, I came home and took off my hat and took this picture of myself.  I am proud to show off my bald head because it reminds me of what this year has been like.  So folks take a good look at my "badge of courage!"  

 I want all my friends and family that read my blog to know that your prayers are working, so don't stop praying now.  Thank you, and I pray that each one of you are also blessed with the love of God.

How Blue Can You Get

I know it has only been approximately a week since my last post, but "life" is just throwing me a few too many screw balls!  First I'm up and then I'm down, I just want things to go uphill at a steady pace, not jump so erratically.  There it is "no patience" raising it's ugly head again!

Okay what I'm talking about, remember me discussing my lab numbers last week?  Just a "catch up," in case you missed it.  I went to my oncologist last week and Neutrophil (NE) count was 0.6 (my infection fighters) and my lymphocyte (LY) count was 67.1.  Neither number was in the range they should be after 60-70 days since my stem cell transplant.  Last week, because of the numbers problem I was given an Injection of Neupogen (in the tummy).  I only needed Tylenol last week.

I went back for a recheck again on Wednesday this week and the NE count had bumped to 0.8 and the LY count fell to 58.9.  Not good enough for the doctor, so I got another Neupogen injection.  This time within 5 hours, my hips, thighs and even my hands hurt very, very bad.  Deep bone pain, headache and I felt lousy, like I was coming down with the flu (but I really wasn't; it was just the side effects of the Neugogen.)  I took a Percocet pain pill and went to bed (I rarely take a pain pill) so you have to assume how bad I felt.  On Thursday, I felt a little better but wondered why I felt like a truck had run over me.  Yesterday, I felt good, just a little fatigued.  Today, I feel pretty good, so I am climbing back up the "feelin good" hill, yea!!

My good friend Bonnie, so creative she is, sent me this card she made.  It did lift my spirits, now I just need my numbers to start moving in the right direction.

I was so upbeat on Tuesday, before the Wednesday doctor visit.  I drove myself to physical therapy, it was a beautiful afternoon.  After therapy was finished I drove home on our country roads with the sun roof open and the warm sun shining, radio turned up loud, listening to B.B. King sing "How Blue Can You Get!" And, on Thursday evening we were invited to supper with some of our dear friends.  I was really looking forward to the visit.  I have not been out much lately, boo hoo!  Well, we had to cancel the supper date, because I was so sick.

That's what I'm talking about dear friends and bloggers, this cancer thingy has put me down since Wednesday.  I am having a hard time getting back on a positive mode.  I know all the standard answers and the circumstances of my life which are pushing at me just a tad too hard right now.  It is that old "patience" thing again.  Believe me I trust in God to love me on the good days and the not so good days, and He is probably just waiting on me right now to trust in Him.  Okay, friends, family and fellow bloggers, I guess I need to get on my phone to God right now, He's waiting on me and I know he will never disappoint me, so hang in there God, I'm calling right now to say this blog has got me over my pity party!  I am ready to live again and never give up.  I feel so good now that I want to show you some beautiful flowers in my garden that God has provided to comfort me.

I think the bottom yellow flowers are asters of some sort.  They always bloom this time of year without any help from me.  And the little lavender flowers were dug up for me by a neighbor of my son in Atlanta, many, many years ago.  I have no idea what it is.  The neighbor did purchase plants from the Atlanta Botanical Society when they would have some of their plants on sale.  Maybe someone out there in Blog-a-sphere space may know what it is.  It blooms like this every year, spring and fall when the weather is cool.

I feel so much better now, thanks for listening to my whining.  I am ready for next week's lab work and I will cross that "number" bridge when it gets here.  God Bless Each And Every One Of You.

"Someone Else's Star"

Just when you think, YEA, finally everything is going in my favor, BOOM, another roadblock gets in your way.  I went to the oncologist on Monday, Sept. 17th for lab work and a check up.  I have been feeling good except for occasional fatigue, so when my oncologist called me in person instead of the nurse, that same afternoon, I knew something was up.  He told me he wanted to re-check my labs on Friday, Sept. 21st, because my Neutrophil (NE) count was 0.6 (too low) and my Lymphocyte (LY) count was 67.1 (too high).  Okay, not sure what that meant but I do whatever he recommends.  So back we went on Friday for the lab re-check.  The numbers were exactly the same.  He said he needed to give my bone marrow a "bump."  This is done with an injection of Neupogen (I've had this many times in the past, so I am familiar with the side effects).  The Neupogen is needed to stimulate the bone marrow which will stimulate my white blood cells.  Remember the Neutrophil count above, well that is my "infection fighters,"  so very important to raise that number.

Now if any of you bloggers are not totally understanding the above, welcome to my club!  Half of what I hear from the doctors and nurses is Greek to me, but my motto is do what they say, they have kept me alive so far and that ain't a bad thing.  And also, did I mention the doctor also told me I am Vitamin D deficient, well no surprise there, I missed the entire summer of sun stuck in a hospital.  I have added "that pill" to my others..........

Hence, the title of my blog is "Someone Else's Star" by country singer Bryan White.  Some of the lyrics go like this......"I guess I must be wishin' on someone else's star.  It seems like someone else keeps getting what I'm wishin' for.  Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?  I guess I must be wishin' on someone else's star."

That's what happens to me when I am disappointed, I cry over sad songs or I feel the need to shop, usually though it is for socks, bras and things folks usually don't see!

Anyway, I did go shop after the news and the injection yesterday.  You can't see the new bra or socks but you can see the new fleece vest I bought.  My sister-in-law, Joanne, sent me the white blouse and scarf for my birthday.  Aimee gave me the earrings for my birthday.  And, the new black boots I ordered from L.L. Bean arrived yesterday.  I almost forgot, I bought the red wool beret yesterday as well.  Okay, I'm ready for cold weather, bring it on!

And here is the "entire" outfit!

The effects of the Neupogen hit you about 5-6 hours after the injection (at least it does for me.)  Your bones ache so much, especially your large bones like your thighs and hips.  I just take Tylenol but have to get in bed.  Much better this morning, still feel a little tired, but no more shopping for me.  And the down side is I have to wear a surgical mask anytime I am in the grocery store, department store, etc.  until my numbers get a little higher.

I love to listen to songs, even sad ones, but I know that my true healer is God and I am always in his hands and he will carry me even when I can't do it on my own.  Thanks for listening to me ramble, that is part of the healing for me, being able to share my feelings.  God Bless Each One Of You!

Viva Westminster!!

Okay, so it has been a few weeks since coming back home to Westminster and you have not heard a word from me, cut me some slack.  I have been so busy moving from one chair to the next, reading books, eating my own food, and most of all just gazing out the window at God's beauty.  But, time is moving on and I am getting stronger every day, in spite of myself!  Here is a picture I took the day we left our Greenville Apartment Complex, bye, bye to the Paddock Club Apartments.  That is me on the last day, August 3, 2012.

I do love my sun glasses and hat!

The day we drove home, was a happy, happy day.  When Bill turned onto Oliver Road, just minutes from our house, I started to cry.  Bill asked what was wrong, I said, "I'm so happy to be home, I thought that I might not make it back, but I guess I was wrong and God was right!"

Sometimes I dwell on what I have lost, days and weeks that have turned into months of struggling to just keep going, never giving up.  There were many days and weeks my cries could be heard by Bill.  Bill is a gentle man and can always bring me back to, "tomorrow you will be stronger, just keep your focus on Nathan and Katie."

I think I have finally reached that plateau where Bill hears not so much crying and lots of, " I can do that and I love the oncology therapy thing I go to twice a week."

So to each of my readers I pray for you as well, that whatever your "spot" is right now in life.  That sadness, worry or doubt can only be helped if you have faith that God will carry you during those times you can't do it on your own.  It also helps to have good friends and family to lean on and a great caregiver!

My kids and grand kids came to visit for my birthday, what a blessing for us.  Here is one of those early morning precious moments when no make-up is required to snuggle with Nathan and Katie enjoying my first cup of coffee!

I am on Day 55 (from the actual transplant date of July 8, 2012), when my stem cells were infused back in my body.  I visited the oncologist yesterday and my numbers are continuing to go up, good thing!  I am still somewhat vulnerable for the first 100 days.  I will be on anti-viral meds for one year.  Then I will start the process to be re-vaccinated with all the vaccines I  received as a child, such as Polio, measles, mumps, etc.  I will have a PET scan at 100 days, 200 days and I think one year.  I am taking it one day at a time.

So, one last picture, still no hair, so how do you like me in the hat Michael brought me back from Paris this summer?  Can't see the earrings very well in this picture, but Aimee gave me 3 sets of dangling earrings, love them!

 Love to all of you and my prayer for you is this.  I hope you have learned at least one piece of information through my rambling blogs that will help you maneuver through this beautiful life.  God Bless You.