The Dark Tunnel

I went into a dark tunnel Monday night and I am just now seeing the light at the end, so I know I have found my way out, Thank You God!  The chemo is "doing its thing," but unfortunately it kills off all my good  cells along the way.  Yesterday was the darkest for me so far.  In bed all day, pain, nausea, then spiked a fever, resulting in an emergency call to the Cancer Center.  Let me back up a minute.  When we went for our instruction visit on what to expect with Chemo, they gave us 6 prescriptions to have filled before we started the chemo, they know what they are doing because we had every med available for any issues.  Anyway, back to my story, Bill called the emergency number and an oncologist answered us immediately and told us what to start taking.  We got that under control and my sweet guy helped me to the bathroom, on the way back I fainted.   I don't remember anything.  Bill is recovering from shoulder replacement surgery, so picture this,  my Herculean Man pulled me to the bed with one arm and got me in the bed.  And those that know us know we have a high bed to get in.  He told me later how he did it, can't believe it!  He probably should have just left me on the floor for awhile!

We went to the Cancer Center for my labs and to quote the PA, "baby your numbers are in the toilet!"  My blood pressure was very low and I was still feeling like a limp noodle.  I certainly did not take the time today to wear my earrings and pearls!  They sent us back to the infusion section and I was given IV fluids and a steroid.  Tomorrow we go to the hospital for 2 units of blood.  I will feel like a new person.  I am in bed tonight doing my blog.  But, let me tell you I feel like all my prayer warriors have been out there with their motors running.  I could feel the love.

My sister-in-law Joanne (Bill's sister), gave me a small book a couple of years ago during my last battle with this dreadful disease, titled Prayers for a Woman of Faith.  I have read it so much and it brings me comfort.  My favorite passage is 2 Chronicles 20:15, 17:  Do not be afraid or discouraged.  The battle is not yours, but God's.  Stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  The Lord will be with you.

My faith gets me through my set backs....it gives me the courage to put each baby step I take just that much closer to beating cancer.

I talked with my son Wade and my little granddaughter Katie tonight.....high light of my day!  Aimee was with Nathan at Karate tonight, maybe I will get to chat with them tomorrow.  Goodnight for now.  God Bless You All.

Nathan's Quilt

Did not get to go to Church today, thought it might be too early to take a chance with "crowds" of folks that I don't know what germs they might have that could make me sick.  I will wait a few weeks and let the Cancer Center tell me if they think my white blood cell count is high enough to go wearing a mask.  I have my labs done each week to monitor the counts.  Anyway, it is kind of lonely not to get to go to Sunday School and Church, miss everyone. 

My little lonely daffodil is still blooming and I even saw a beautiful male bluebird on the bluebird box, calling for a mate, come on girls help him out he is beautiful!  I love watching the bluebirds every Spring!

I was feeling real good for a few hours and decided to put the label on the quilt I made for my beautiful grandson Nathan.  I actually finished the quilt before Christmas, but so much happened after that and the label never seemed to get attached.  So here it is finally, hope you enjoy the picture.  Nathan lives up near Washington D.C., so I thought a Patriotic quilt would be the right one for him.  Of course he won't receive it until I finish one for his sister, Katie, not fair to give one to Nathan when she might be sad looking for hers.  I have started her quilt, and with the Good Lord and my friend Jean's help I will be able to deliver both quilts for Christmas, 2012.

I know someone will ask me the size so I measured it and it is approximately 76" by 88".  I used some fabrics with Abraham Lincoln, stars, flags and old newsprint along with many others.  I had such fun making this quilt!

Okay, I have a question or two for my family and friends in the health profession.  I have developed a side affect and want to know if any of you have heard about it before.  I will let my PA know when I see her on Tuesday as well.  Part of the chemo I am taking includes the drug Vincristine (Oncovin) and to quote a part out of the "binder" they gave us at the Cancer Center for side affects, it says in part, 'Oncovin belongs to a class of drugs called the vinca alkaloids.  ......it is important at clinic visits to tell your physician about changes, such as jaw pain that may occur because the drug affects nerves in that area.'  Well, last night while watching TV I told Bill that my jaws have started hurting when I drink or eat.  I thought it was temporary, but the pain is still here today.  The book said it could affect the nerves in fingers and toes as well, but I have no such feeling there.  I am glad for that, so that I can keep knitting.  Not a big deal, but a little uncomfortable.

Have a beautiful day friends and family, I am having a good day myself.  Enjoyed chatting with you!

One of God's little miracles

I have always loved the flowers that grow outside, (I don't do very well with live flowers in the house).  I must have inherited that love from my Mama and Grandma Glen (I was named after her).  This simple lonely daffodil , one of God's little miracles, bloomed the day I had chemo and is still standing strong in the cold air and wind for me to enjoy each morning as I sit in my sun room.  I'm still looking for the blue birds to come to their box next to the daffodil, but no birds yet, maybe too early.

I did snap this picture also of two men enjoying each others company right out our back door, simple pleasures.........  Reminds me of the special bond I have with my friends and family, gives me lots of strength.  It is a good day.......rough morning but just had a bowl of warm grits with butter for lunch, YUM!  I feel great now!

I am blessed to have each and every one connecting with me in their own special way.  Thank you all and God will Bless you more than you will ever know.  Love you all.

Pajama Day

Can't seem to get out of my pajamas today.  Feeling sorta blah.  Went to the cancer center yesterday and received the "Miss" Neulasta injection.  Supposed to help with re-building white blood cells.  The injection makes my bones hurt, so taking Tylenol and drinking lots of water.  (Can't you just hear Bill yelling in the back ground, KEEP DRINKING!)  Had to wear a mask for the first time while I went into the doctor's office for Bill's shoulder surgery check up.  I felt funny, like maybe the folks in the waiting room might think I had something they might catch, but in reality it is for my protection, so I won't get what they may have.  Oh well, this is a whole new direction I have to endure to beat this  D...... Cancer!

I read a quote in the book I am reading (Luncheon of the Boating Party).  Serge you would enjoy the book when I am through with it.  It is about Auguste Renoir's story of the painting, they talk a lot about the colors we use, and the techniques.  Anyway the quote is:  Religion's everywhere.  In the mind, The heart, and in the love you put into what you do."  I hope my friends and family will always know how much love I put into whatever I do for you, from phone calls, letters, e-mail and now my blog.  I love you all so very much.

I'm feeling a little tearful today, can't you tell.  Looking through the cancer catalog the center gave me for scarfs, hats and wigs.  Not looking forward to loosing my hair.  They told me it would start falling out the second week or so after my first chemo treatment.  I did not loose my hair with the other two chemo treatments, but this is a whole new ball game.  I hope I win it!

I am posting a picture of Bill and I and Serge and Jean taken at Applebee's right before I started my chemo.  Probably won't be eating out much for awhile.  Thank you Jean and Serge for helping me set up this blog.  Love you.

Chemo Day in Seneca, SC

What a day!  I can say it all in one word exhausting!  We had to be at the cancer center at 8:45 a.m. and we left the center at 4:00 p.m., do you get the picture now?  They started on me right away, with some drugs I had received during the last chemo but, as the nurse said, it has been 2 years since then and it is like we are starting over, great, just the words I wanted to hear.  First they gave me Tylenol, not bad you say, they start with the easy stuff to fool you, ha!  Then comes the Benadryl in the IV, please bring me some strong coffee to fight the drowsiness, nothing like the Benadryl pill folks, way more powerful.  Then in goes some anti-nausea med (nurse said it was a short acting one, I guess they don't want me throwing up on their watch!)  Then I had the following, and I'm sure I missed a few the nurse told me about.  These are not in any particular sequence of delivery, Prednisone, Rituxan, Cytoxan, Vincristine (IV push), Adriamycin (IV push, affectionately called the "Red Devil").  Get this, the nurse, had to wear a protective gown while she gave me the IV push meds, guess that was a clue that this stuff is powerful, hope it does the trick!

Bill and I brought our lunch from home.  I ate very healthy.  I had a Carolina Pride Beef Bologna on Potato bread sandwich and a bag of Cheetos, yum, yum!  Bill had a cup of Ramen chicken noodle soup and a peanut butter, smoked turkey, Swiss cheese on Rye bread sandwich, no chips for him he is watching his weight!

Just when I started to feel better after lunch, here comes more anti-nausea meds in the IV.  The nurse said it was called Emend, I think, anyway she said this was a longer-lasting drug, guess they don't want to be responsible for me throwing up in our car on the ride home.  Here we go, drowsy again!

I have to give Bill a Gold Star, what a trooper!  He read his book, and played on the computer, and they let him lay in the "Lazy Boy" chair next to me.  I was the last patient to leave today, yikes!

I took a book my Aunt Amelia gave me to read, titled Luncheon of the Boating Party by Susan Vreeland.  I was able to read 2 chapters, but I think I will have to re-read them.  It was very hard to focus and concentrate today.  The best thing I took was my neck pillow and my prayer shawl that was given to me during my last treatments.  Most of my time was spent with my eyes closed or going to the bathroom.

I need to thank God and all my friends and family for praying for me to have the strength and courage to fight today, it worked.  God Bless you each and every one.  I'm ready to meet Neulasta tomorrow.  I have had this drug before, it is administered the day after chemo.  It is an injection to help boost my white blood cell count, help ward off infections.  I have a private word for that drug and it starts with a B...., fill in the blanks, folks.

One last note.  I received a Beauty and Fashion Newsletter today titled "What you need in your wardrobe,"  now that gave me a belly roll laugh!   All I need is good sweats, PJ,s and my favorite robe and slippers.

See everyone, I am still smiling!  Love you all!  (Sorry if I look a little "droopy," could not put a bra on today, port was still painful from surgery yesterday.)  So long for now.

Wired for Chemo!

Okay I am now wired for the chemo that starts tomorrow.  Had to be at the hospital at 7:20 this morning, and no coffee again!  Poor Bill has to endure me not having my two cups of "regular" strong coffee every morning, it is not a pretty sight!  God love him, how does he do it??  I told him this morning that I was thinking of wearing my favorite white jeans to chemo tomorrow and he almost fainted!!  Jean, you will remember that story from the last chemo trials and tribulations!  I will have to explain to everyone else later.  Funny now, but not when it was happening!  Anyway, I decided not to wear white jeans tomorrow because of the old "southern tradition," NO white until after Easter!  You know I am a stickler for the "rules!"

Here is a picture of the port, in case anyone is interested.  It is exactly like the one I had before, but it occluded (don't you just love that word).

I decided to post this picture, instead of the actual recipient, who wants to see a 67 year old woman with a port, isn't she pretty???

A brief history

Well, you ask, what made me pick "To Hell and Back" as the title of my Blog........realistically it is the title of a war film released in 1955 starring Audie Murphy (I was a skinny 11 year old in 1955.)  But, really, in my minds eye my cancer battle is somewhat like a war drama.  And now I have been told the heavy artillery needs to be used to fight another battle in this war on cancer.

I would be re-miss if I did not go back a few years and tell you how I arrived at today.......once upon a time a 5' 2", yellow-haired, 63 year old (in 2008) was enjoying each and every day of her retirement, when after a seemingly innocent doctor visit for what I thought might be indigestion or gallbladder issues......my family doctor's nurse called and said the doctor wants to see you in his office this morning......well, I was in the midst of having my girlfriends over for our weekly watercolor "get-together" and lunch, so I innocently said, "can I come tomorrow, I have something planned for today?"  Well, that was the WRONG ANSWER, the nurse said emphatically, NO, the doctor wants to see you now......needless to say I thought to myself.....now you're scaring me....not a nice thing to do!  So on a beautiful summer day in 2008 I was diagnosed with Non- Hodgkin Follicular B-Cell Lymphoma.  Some folks would say, oh that's the good kind of cancer, personally I don't find any kind of cancer good, I guess they meant well, I forgive them.

I did not Blog or talk much about my first two rounds of chemotherapy.  The second round put me in remission for 2 years.  I was feeling so good, enjoying all my many hobbies and visiting family and friends often..........and then just when I was so comfortable with my new found life, a regular check up with a PET scan showed new cancer above and below my diaphragm.  Follows is a short timeline to get you to the present:

• October, 2011 - regular annual check up with PET Scan
• November 11, 2011 - Routine colonoscopy to check anemia and why blood in stool
• Slight deviation to the schedule - while having the colonoscopy my spleen was ruptured (they said later that thin folks are at a greater risk for this to happen.  Well, why didn't they tell me this earlier, I would have bulked up on pie and ice cream!!  Anyway, result was 5 days in the hospital.
• December 15, 2011 - Received the first kidney biopsy. (fine needle), pathology was inconclusive.
• I thought, okay great the PET and CT scans were wrong.....so Bill and I went off merrily to visit the kids and grandkids for 2 weeks at Christmas in Maryland.
• January, 2012 - arrived home to a message to call and schedule a second kidney biopsy, WHAT?????  My oncologist said he wanted a "do-over,"  not satisfied with first results,  Well that was disappointing to say the least!
• January 24, 2012 - Repeated kidney biopsy, this time using a core needle to get a better tissue sample.  This time pathology came back with Large B-Cell malignant Lymphoma.

• Okay, what does that mean......my oncologist said the original cancer had transformed and was now aggressive at a Stage III, above and below my diaphragm. (I won't write what my mind said when I heard those words, but use your imagination!) 

Now that I have brought you up to date:  Look at my picture, is that what an ill person looks like?  Well I can only say, don't judge a book by it's cover! 

I go to the hospital tomorrow, Feb. 21 to have a new port-a-cath put in, my previous one occluded at the end of my last chemo.  Then on Wed., Feb 22, I have the R-CHOP chemo as they affectionately call it.  I will keep you posted, so until then God Bless You All!